As I approach my due date, I go between feeling nervous, excited, overwhelmed, and scared. This is our first child, and although I am over the moon happy, I can’t help but to feel scared. I try not to think about giving birth, but it seems to be everywhere!
The other night, my husband and I were watching Total Bellas. For those of you not familiar, it is a reality show that follows the lives of woman who are twins, that wrestle for WWE, and one is pregnant. This was the season finale episode, so of course they saved the birth for the last episode. She was in labor for 25 hours, and they eventually had to do a cesarian because the baby just would not come out.
Let me set the scene. My husband is casually watching, playing on his phone in between commercials, and I am hiding behind the sheets, peeking out like I am watching a horror film. I lean over to him, and express how scared I am. How I don’t want a cesarian. How I question if this is something I can even do. He looks back at me, and calmly says, “it will be fine, the doctors will be there”.
The doctors will be there?! That’s what you got out of this?! Calm down hormonal lady. Breathe. My husband is the most caring man, who treats me like a princess. But in this instance, he isn’t giving me what I need. Am I asking too much? Why would he understand?
In his defense, I think he was trying to calm me down and act like it’s not a big deal. Unfortunately, that is not what I was looking for. I’m not even really sure what I was looking for. Maybe a pep talk. “You are so strong. You are going to do so well. You will not need a cesarian, it will all happen naturally, and quickly.” *Eye roll. Maybe there isn’t anything he can do to put me at ease.
Maybe this is something that I need to pull out of myself. I need to start believing in myself and understanding that every woman’s labor is different. That it may (will, definitely will) be difficult. I have the support of my husband, and my family, and in the end, I’m going to have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I got this!
Unfortunately, my fear does not end there. Not only am I afraid of labor, I’m terrified to have a newborn! My sister just had her second child a few weeks ago. She is amazing! My sister has the cutest babies, who seem pretty easy (easy for baby standards, still crazy demanding on you). With my first niece, I was terrified of breaking her every time I held her, for about the first 6 months. I thought that maybe it would be different with my second niece. I’m pregnant, this must just come naturally, right? Nope. Still terrified of breaking the baby.
Meanwhile, my husband loves holding her. He just stares into her eyes, and tells me how this makes him so much more excited for our baby. So sweet! But what is wrong with me? Am I going to be like this with my own baby? All the woman I have opened up to about this, have all said they had the same fears, and those quickly go away. You hear that maternal instinct just kicks in, and I am really hoping this is true!
Don’t get me wrong, I am super excited for our baby to enter this world! But beneath all of that, is a little bit of fear. I am doubting my skills as a mother, because I have never been a mother. It’s just like starting a new job, I guess. My attitude with that has always been “fake it, until you make it”. And that has always worked for me, so maybe I just need to take the same approach. Dive in. Head first. Don’t over think it, and just do the best I can.
I mean, look at Teen Mom. That show proves that you don’t even have to be an adult to keep a newborn alive and healthy! Bad example? Woman have been giving birth and raising children for centuries. I can’t be the only one to have these feelings, and I’m sure I won’t be the last.
The most important thing is love. And this baby has so much of that already, I can’t wait to feel how much love we will share once she is here.
Stay tuned for an update on whether or not I am scared to break my own baby.